By Brett Wean

“Dear Worker Bee,” an imaginary correspondent writes in from

Naples, “Do you have any advice on how I can design the layout of my office?

Any thoughts you might have, particularly those based on ancient Chinese

principles which happen to be trendy at the moment, would be much appreciated.”

How serendipitous that someone should write in on this

subject just when the Worker Bee was planning to devote a column to feng shui,

the ancient Chinese art of placement. As always, it seems that the Worker Bee

has his stinger on the pulse of the nation’s gestalt or zeitgeist or something.

Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?

Predating both Confucianism and Taoism, feng shui

(pronounced fung shway) has been practiced in China for over 3,000 years,

though not by the same person without a break. The idea is that there is a

fundamental energy surrounding us called ch’i. A location or an individual can

have either positive ch’i (Richard Simmons, the cast of Friends) or negative

ch’i (Richard Nixon, the cast of Melrose Place), and feng shui teaches how to

effectively control the flow of that aura through our arrangement of physical

objects. It’s a way of thinking about how you move through a space, not just in

terms of your body, but your eyes and your mind, as well. Think of the opening

credits to the old Dick Van Dyke Show. Remember how Dick used to trip and fall

over virtually every piece of furniture in his living room, in time to the

music? That room’s ch’i was definitely not working for Dick.

The Yin Crowd, Or More Yang For Your Buck

Now it’s time to get into the nitty-gritty, the down and

dirty, the Lenny and Squiggy, if you will, of how to apply the most mystical

and complex of feng shui tenets to your office design. People tend to find

themselves drawn to one or the other basic extremes, known as the yin and the

yang. Words commonly associated with yin are: cold, feminine, curved, and

shadowy. (The Worker Bee is instantly reminded of several of his

ex-girlfriends, but that’s not really relevant here.) On the other hand, words

associated with yang include: warm, masculine, straight, and bright. (The

Worker Bee is instantly reminded of himself, but once again, I digress.) Decide

whether you’re in general a yin person, or a yang person, and incorporate those

concepts that most make you happy. The trick is to include a couple traces of

the opposite end of the spectrum as well, in order to balance things out.

Papa’s Got a Brand New Bagua

According to feng shui, every space — whether it’s an office

or an entire building — is divided up into different areas, designated in the I

Ching, or Book of Changes, as specific treasures or “trigrams.” This is what’s

known as the Bagua. These different areas are: Health and Family, Prosperity,

Fame, Love, Creativity, Travel, Career, and Knowledge. Make sure to designate a

portion of your office to each of these concepts. Just be careful not to keep

your “little black book” in the Travel area, or you’ll be likely to fall for

someone who lives in a different time zone.

Lead the Shui

Now that you have a firm grasp of the concepts behind feng

shui, you will be able to arrange your workspace in a manner that best allows

you to look out past your desk, feel a sense of incredible, life-affirming

power, and loudly proclaim, “Hey...I just redecorated the wrong room!” Then

exit quietly and hope the person whose office it is didn’t see you.